Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Tales from Podex: Pirate Pratfalls

 By Bixyl Shuftan

It started off as more or less any other day at the Podex Exchange. One of the tellers talked about going to the "Clockwork Spiral" charity event later on. Someone else talked about taking a look at the "Vinyl Museum" and "Happy Vixen" clubs in HV Community and Sunny Beach respectively. Then someone remembered what day it was, "Arrrrr! It be September 19th., maties. It be 'Talk Like a Pirate Day,' lan'lubbers! Arrr!" And after a few chuckles, other tellers were doing it too, "Avast there!" "Shiver me timbers!" "Arrrr!"

While the tellers were joking and laughing, someone walked into the bank. Seeing him, a teller turned, "Good day Sir, what can - " the teller's sentence cut off when two things were clear. One, the visitor was dressed up in pirate garb, which included a sword. Two, his bushy banded tail and natural mask marked him as a familiar character: "Clumsy Cooper." Clumsy had repeatedly tried to rob Podex, and always failed.

"Avast ye scurvy dogs!" Clumsy took hold of a cutlass by the grip and drew it out of it's sheath, "This be a plunderin.'

“Avast yerself, lan’lubber!” One of the tellers called back, “Ye got some chum showin yerself here ye drunken bilge rat!”

“Don’ ye ‘landlubber’ me! Now gather up all ye booty an’ be quick abou’ it!”

“Ye pardon me if we not be so smartly ‘bout yer demands, youn’ pup. But ye try ta raid our poopdeck many times before, an’ every time ye end up keelhaulin’ yerself.”

“That be rotten luck. Now, do I need to wack a few of yer addin’ machines with me cutlass to git yer attention?” He pointed his sword forward.

“My attention be on yer cutlass. Five peices o’ eight that be nuthin’ but a cheap peice o’ plastic.”

“Arrrr! That be fightin’ words!” Clumsy then began swinging the sword around, “I’ll make ye all walk th’ plank!” Then in the middle of his ranting, he slammed the blade of the sword onto the floor, and it snapped in two.

Clumsy looked at the broken blade wide-eyed, then looked at the tellers, “Um, perhaps I be a bit hasty.” He gave a nervous smile, “I be in a good mood. Ye can keep yer booty.”

“Get him!” The teller yelled, pointing at him, “Throw that sack o’ shark bait in th’ busted head!”

Clumsy then turned tail and ran back out the bank. He ran across the field, then the road, and found an airplane on what looked like to him like some kind of launcher he then climbed aboard and started the engine. The plane sputtered and coughed, but it's motor was just not going. Clumsy banged on the pannel in frustration, but that only got the plane to creak as it tipped to the side, and fell down, one door against the ground, the other held shut by a broken wing. Clumsy count only wait as the SLPD arrived and got him out. They then immediately placed him in handcuffs, charged with attempted griefing.

But even if Cooper's scheme had worked, there was no way he could have gotten away with any ill-gotten gains. “All our exchanges are done through electronic transfer,” a teller later explained to the SLPD, “He wouldn’t have walked away with a single Linden.”

The Podex Exchange has a record of being one of the safest Linden exchange services in Second Life, the data processing done outside the exchange, and has a record of thousands of satisfied customers. Transactions can be done at their website, or their location inworld at the Coda sim at (45, 218, 61).

Note: The preceding is a fictional story, written for the dual purpose of advertisement and entertainment.

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